Happy - Marina And The Diamond Ring

I'm kind of surprised at me
I haven't cut myself yet

It was hard to not hurt myself
'cause
I don't really love it, I guess
As much as I love the others
or as much
as I love him.

A lot of time I get the knife and cut my wrist
Push it hard and
"keep on"

"Damn, it's too blunt!"
I yelled at myself

Sometimes, I found a sharp one
but his words pop up in my head,
"If you cut yourself, I won't look at you anymore," so I put it away and walk back to my room
crying...

Or
when I was sitting in the artroom
"Are you ok May?" my friend asked me, the big guy
I didn't answer him, just smile then... it's enough
I guess
I thought that I would buy a paperknife at Target opposite the bus station
It gonna cold and I'm kind of lazy but
I don't want these pains keeps moaning inside my chest anymore
I think cutting myself would make me feel
really hurt, and distract the inner things

"Is it my fault?"
"No. Not at all."
I was numb.
"It's his fault."
"Yes. But no.
It's my fault either."
"Why?"
I wondered.
" 'cause I chose to love him," I am being so responsible.

I just press my nails on my soft and transparent skin. It does work a little bit. Enough to distract the pains inside.
However,
just a little
The nightmare always comes back.
Fuck it

I'm still alive
somehow

And yet
Not cutting me...

I even don't care it's worth or not,
I just don't want to get hurt anymore
I just want
to feel normal...

And...
So...
Yah...
It has been three years
I wonder have I ever felt happy or being alive in here?
No,
I'm only alive when I go home, but it's not that easy

When I wake up, always,
always desperately lonely

Nobody's here

Only me, the room and the ceil.

Even the songs can't console my soul,
I know that I need to pick a book,
or wrap a paper and draw
but I just can't

It's the end, I guess

I let the suicidal thoughts invade me,
"No more pains after dying, huh?"