For this moment alone, think and feel - RLIFE

I'm a stubborn girl, I guess. That's why I always keep my personal rules: I have a law for myself which keeps my morality in a best way. Or it doesn't make me feel guilty, at least. 

I have seen my parents, I have seen my cousins, my big family. I have seen my friends. And I have watched movies. I have read many books, manga. About love. 
So,... and sure I learn new things every day, that I would never ever let any men hurt me. They don't have that permission. I do not know how it gonna happen, my love story, but no cheating and betraying at first: two things that I would not allow my man to do.

Why? Well, nobody can accept it, I guess. Even I have known some people who too love their partners to let it happen, easily. I thought, "weak man".

 Why? My tough mom, a strong woman I've ever seen, lonely and not beloved by the man she has loved for almost 20 years. 

A quarter of a human life. 

She always gets mad when he cheats. She can't accept it, but my parents already have four children, so the divorce didn't happen easily. Somehow, after those long and painful years, I still feel her love for him although she always said: " I have no more love for him". Sure, a defense for herself.
 
I'm afraid that those things would happen to me, like my mom, my aunt, my cousins. That they fell in love with a wrong man, who do NOT deserve to their love, at all. 
I love myself a lot, and afraid to get hurt. Sure, like everyone else. I used to trust, and hope for wrong person. Until I met some right people, I still cannot trust them. Bad memories, bad feeling, bad thoughts, bad people. Then, fear. 

It's hard to trust someone, right. Especially who I love the most. 

I met my guy in the summer, not feeling yet. Summer 2017, hot and rainy days. 

He: I have loved a girl for seven years. One sided love until she confessed that she loves me too. It was great, but I'm afraid of losing her. She's important to me. If we're friends, we could stay together, but if we're lovers, I definitely lost her forever. And I don't think I could stand before it. 

Me: I saw myself a few years ago. From friendship into lovers. Great, but full of fears. I'd made my decision: break up and formed it back into friendship, even though I knew that it would hurt him a lot, but better than losing him forever. An old story but a good lesson. Idk. When I look back. I don't regret. I was right. I think I understand that guy, most of, totally understand his pain. As I got a high price to make my decision with my Leo friend: get pains. And that's all. 
I guess that's why we could talk more. 
We share more, as I started to make friend with Pumpkin and Diabetes. Sharing, telling stories and... yah, we thought that we could be close friends. 
And somehow, I don't know. I thought about him more, talked about him more, wanted to help him with his pains more, wanted to touch him more, wanted him to treat me more special, wanted to see his smile more, ... 

And I started to recognize my feeling for this guy, in an unexpected way. 

Luckily, he told me about having a short-term relationship. He said that I had a chance to stand between her and him. Jump into that spot! 
And I did. 
I said without thinking. I did what my heart wanted. I wanted to be with this guy, 
and took care of him. 
It seems he hasn't been loved for a long time, especially from people he wanted. Then I can let him feel my love, at least. He may don't need it but better than nothing, right?

Stepp back from now, May. And look at your personal rules. The guy you wished for yourself is a man who can love only and only you. Not a man who was in love deeply with another girl, deeply. 

I was willing to be used. 
I did understand everything. 
I did know what could happen to me. We were honest to each other. 
I did know about those pains, but I pretend to ignore them. 
Why? Because I don't think I can love a person who didn't love me. It's a hopeless love, and easy to be recognized.
I'm not an idiot, but blind. And crazy. 
Loving a guy, receiving false hope and stuck with him. 
But I wished to be stuck with that guy like that, forever. It's still OK. 

The moment I decided that I would start to give up 'till he moves on. That I could wait. 
SHIT!!! I fell in love deeply with a GUY who still loves his girl. And that's girl is not me. Or maybe, part of. 

I still have my personal rules, no cheating, no betrayal, and only me. 

I don't understand me either. I accepted to let him cheat on me. I can wait, I talked to myself. 

I accepted a split love from him, with some hope that it would be someday, he may love me completely like the way I love him. 

I have my right to hope, to love, to be crazy, right? 

I couldn't get anything back. It's fine. I'm not that important. 

I thought I was fine. But I wasn't. 
'cause it was so painful, depressed, hopeless, and hopeful too. 

I see things I don't want to see. Feel things that I don't want to feel. Hear things that I don't want to hear. Know things that I don't want to know.  

I wonder why I can't stand in this relationship until now. 

I don't want to trust anyone. I don't want to depend on anyone. I don't want to get any more pains. 

But I do want to trust him, just can't. I really want to depend on him, as much as I can. I already to get hurt, if it could help him. 

I just don't want to let him go, or losing him in my life. 

"When I bow down to pray
I try to make the worst seem better
Lord, show me the way 
To cut through al his worn out leather
I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away
But baby, I just need one good one, good one
Tell me that you'll be the good one, good one
Baby, I just need one good one to stay

Million Reasons - Lady Gaga. "


Yah, maybe I just need one reason to stay with him, when he stills loves me, as I still want to be with him. 

It still hurts me even when we have shifted from short-term into a long-term relationship. 

I was trying to accept the issue in our relationship. It's still there.

I just don't want to touch it. 

I don't want to get more pain. 

I don't want to be doubtful when he says he loves me. But sometimes. 

I'm afraid that my love couldn't get hurt anymore. And I may decide to leave him. And he would get hurt too. I don't want. But May, you know, every fear disappear when you hear his voice. And that's all to keep you with him, 
to love him more and more day by day. 

So... Don't ask yourself why cuz you do know that you love him so much. That one life is not enough for you to love him, no matter what. 

You were right to love him. 

May, then... It'll be fine.