Save Me - XXXTENTACION

Irrational Thoughts Popping Out, my hobby. 

I want to shut down everything, shut down myself to this world, 

My darling, he may leave me one day. Nothing can be sure. I can lose my soul mate. 

Imagining one day I suddenly lost him in my life. Imagine... 

My dad, he can abandon me, ignores my existence.

My mom loves me so much, but she does not understand me, at all. We are too different, as we have ever had any nice conversations. 

My sisters, do they really love me? I don't know. They may leave me someday. 

My friends, they have their beloved people. Too busy. Too busy to spend time for me. I don't know. But I feel like they don't love me that much.  They only need me when they want, don't they? 

Why... 

And why

So why should I exist for... I do not need people, but I really need them either. 

Should I live with this loneliness forever? Should I  

Maybe it is just my distortion, 

It can be the truth... That I never want to face. It can come true. That's I have only myself with, to live and work. 

Can everything just stop flowing? 

I don't want to sleep neither waking up.

.
.
.
.
.
.

And yet

It comes again 

The great memories of my darling

First, I didn't feel anything 

I don't worry neither want to get anymore pains

Even though It's supposed to be

That I should lay down on the bed and sobbing

But fine, myself learnt how to be normal before it... To let me be normal although I know It's not normal

Because I'm weaker than that

Vulnerable as hell. 

The tornado stirring slightly... Seems like it wants to turn me down... 

But I release them from my fingers... Through the drawings. 

And

As usual

The emptiness soon covers me... Unconsciously... Quickly... 

That's how my pains disappear. 

But it becomes greedy and wants to swallow everything, even my mind. 

It twisting inside me

And swallowing

Twisting

And swallowing

Twisting

... 

And tearing. 

The emptiness always wins, 

Obviously, I don't need to ask why

Because I don't want to face it

I don't want to feel anything

I want to be normal, to be functional

It likes myself tried to escape from the swallowing thing, but I try to escape from myself either. 

I look at the ceiling, see the darkness around me...

In a bright room.

Everything sounds ridiculous, 

Is it coward? 

No, It's not. 

It just the way how I protect myself. 

It's blank... My head... Totally blank... 

I can't think about anything... For it's too hollow... 

I can't remember anything... Even him.. 

The invasion... makes me fear... But the only thing I can do is to lay down on the bed and close my eyes... Use the sleep to run away,

For awhile 

... 

Yah, just for awhile.